Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.