I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no