Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice