I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.