I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet