I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath