I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I forgot how to panic. Help
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies