@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.

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@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@Dawn_M_

Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year.

From all of us, thank you x

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@TheDairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.

@Ron_White

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

@TweetPotato314

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.