ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
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Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year.
From all of us, thank you x
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-
SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Roosters are just edible alarm clocks
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.