[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
new wife guy just dropped
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.