I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?