I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
my professor scared me for a second
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black