I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
TODAY
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.