I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
