I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really