Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Match dot com, but for socks.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.