I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
#NoRestForTheWicked
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
not to brag, but mine was free
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”