Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

They’re the worst 😩

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car