Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.