I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
You Might Also Like
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition