I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Godspeed, John Glenn
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.