I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
okay run it by me one more time
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.