i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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serving silly goose instead of turkey
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….