Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old