I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
At least he brought enough for everyone
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.