I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?