I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
m’lady
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.