I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
me hooking up with my ex
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard