I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees