I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out