Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.