I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting