Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

I hope it’s French Onion!

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die