I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
No chill.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”