i forgot the word “dosage” so i asked my doctor what my medication’s “serving size” was

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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…


“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”


I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory


“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.


Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods


I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.


Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.