@TheHyyyype

i forgot the word “dosage” so i asked my doctor what my medication’s “serving size” was

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@java_assassin

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

@YUCKYBOT

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@TheAlexNevil

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

@MrGirlDad

I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.

@SuperApple8

Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.