I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
they see me scrollin
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I like crazy people until they notice me
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem