I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
More like Kate Missington.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
🤣🤣🤣
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.