I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
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Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams