I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?