I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
#polloftheday
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.