I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO