I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.