Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.