Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room