Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Room with a view.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

Guys, I found it.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker