I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Dune (2021)
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
