I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
#Caturday
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about