I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I feel this so hard
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.