I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Help Wanted
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.