I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!