I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this