I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.