I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
We’ve all been there…
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.