I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.