I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Voting is the worst group project
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I put the p in pants.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave