I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”