Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

I have so many questions.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.