Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.