I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.