I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
How do I get a job writing these texts
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks