I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
You Might Also Like
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.