I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Good morning
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
BRO LMFAO
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
lmaaaaaooooooooo
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.