I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.