I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Saw this yesterday lol
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?