Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?