I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
o shit
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
c’mon!
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”