Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

When someone says you are so lazy

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺