Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

in 3 months

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.