I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Hello Twits.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches