I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.