Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

The dark side of Canada

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

😭😭😭

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week