Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?