Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

new wife guy just dropped

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)