I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.