Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!