I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
😂🖐️
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”