I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.