I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once