I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Here’s a meme
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead